


Pickles- his name

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-27
Updated: 2009-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-16 15:15:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3493121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teenage Pickles and his real name.  I’m calling him Sean because it fits with the whole Irish-American name thing, and it seems to be a popular choice when people name him.<br/>Pickles POV, just because I haven’t done that yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pickles- his name

I was excited about getting my driver’s licence. Finally, no more bumming rides from Seth. I was really sick of his superiority complex anyway. But I was almost sixteen, and I could finally take the test. They said they just needed my birth certificate. That shouldn’t be a problem, parents keep that sort of shit for you, right? I’ll just ask them.

So I did. Pretty much just “Hey mom, I need my birth certificate so I can go get my driver’s licence.” She stared at me with a deer in the headlights look. Was she really _that_ worried about me driving? Dad walked in and saw her expression. He hurried over. “Oh Molly dear, what’s the matter?” She buried her face in her apron. “Sean wants his birth certificate.” 

“Well dear, we always knew we’d have to tell him eventually.” Now I was really starting to get worried. Tell me what? Am I _adopted_ or something? “Calvert, you tell him. I can’t bear to.” Dad sighed deeply. I was still wondering just what the fuck was going on. Finally, he motioned to me to follow him. “Come along Sean, it’s time we had a little talk.” Oookaay.

We went into his study, he motioned for me to sit. Then he just stared at me, like he had no idea where to begin. I tried to be helpful. “Dad, if this is the birds and the bees talk, I already know that stuff.” What else could make him so uncomfortable? But he just shook his head. Finally he looked deep into my eyes and stated, “Son, Sean is not you legal name.” Huh? If my name is not my name... then what the hell _is_ my name? I waited, confused.

Dad continued, “I should tell you the whole story, I guess. Right from the very beginning. You see, your mother had such a hard time when Seth was born that she really didn’t feel she could ever bear to go through that again.” Great, even now it’s all about Seth. Could we maybe focus on _me_ for a change? “But a few years later, despite our best efforts, she got pregnant with you.” Oh nice, so I was also unwanted. This just keeps getting better. 

“She was terrified, but we feel that abortion is a sin, so we saw no choice but to try to make it through.” Oh gee thanks Dad, I really feel better now. “She became addicted to tranquilizers. Even though she knew that couldn’t be good for you, she felt she had no choice.” Hmm, could this be why I really like drugs? I’ve been doing them since before I was born. “When she finally went into labor, she completely lost it. They had to give her tons of drugs to get her through it. They said they’d never had to medicate anyone so heavily before.” 

I still have no clue what any of this has to do with my birth certificate. Unless they lost it? “This is very hard for me to tell. Sean, you know we love you very much.” Okay, whatever, can you we get to the point sometime soon? He continued, “After you were born, I just had to get out of there and unwind a little. I truly had no idea they would ask her to name the baby in her extremely drugged state.” Uh oh. Where is this going? 

“When they asked her for a name, she apparently thought they were asking her if she wanted a snack. Remember, she was very, very drugged. They told me the story when I got back, but it was too late.” Okay, now I’m getting worried here. Can we hurry this the fuck up? Seriously, the suspense is killing me. “When they went to fill out your birth certificate... remember, she was very high and didn’t know what they were asking her..... She said ‘pickles’. When they asked for the last name, she told them, ‘no, just pickles.’ We had been planning to name you Sean, so that’s what we’ve always called you. But your legal name is Pickles.” 

“What the FUCK Dad, you let her name me _Pickles_?” He glared at me. “Sean! There’s no need for that kind of language! She didn’t know what she was saying, and then.... well, it was too late.” The rest of what he’d said sunk in. “Wait... And I don’t even _have_ a last name?” He shook his head. “Well, not legally, no. I’m sorry.”

 

I went to my room, I needed some time alone now. I couldn’t believe it. Seriously, I was going to have to get a driver’s licence with _Pickles_ on it? Gawd, Seth is _really_ gonna make fun of me now. As if he needs another reason, the fuckin’ douchebag. But if I want to drive, and I really, really do.... I have no choice.

 

I thought about it some more, couldn’t stop thinking about it really. Maybe I should just start using it. After all, it’s my name. Pretty weird, but I think that maybe I can make it work. Might as well go all out and just start refusing to answer to Sean. Okay, Pickles it is then. I can do this.

Ha, nobody’s ever gonna believe it’s my real fuckin’ name. When I get famous, and oh yes I will, everybody’s gonna go crazy trying to figure it out. That’s pretty cool actually.  
Yeah, I can do this.  
World, say hello to Pickles.


End file.
